Not sure I’ll make it to Defcon this year, bit i think it’s just as well.

It looks like flights from EBB to Las Vegas will be more than $4300. Combined with room and incidentals, that’s more than we’ve ever made fundraising at Defcon. It also looks like I won’t get a speaking slot despite rather heroic efforts from Defcon staff.

On top of that, I just got a bill for shipping charges on computer gear that was supposed to be used in the States. Now the gear is here and I’ll have to do my best to make it work. That bill is about $4500 so that tells the tale.. The exact amount I would have needed for Defcon.

Things have been going horribly lately, so this is just the icing on the cake. It’s one thing after another.

Our 501(c)3 is still stalled, the Ugandan government is nickel and diming us, those I trust turn on me no matter how mush I’ve poured into them and a couple weeks ago we got the biggest kick in the teeth yet. I’m still drafting the post on that one.

The whole thing just has me scratching my head..

You know, it really is (was) an insane concept and an even more insane move. I am obliterated and frankly I’m lacking the resources, stamina and heart to float the org any more.

“So ask for help,” you might say.

That’s good advice, but I’m terrible at delegating and have failed miserably at properly engaging the skills of the community. So it’s been the “Johnny show” for so long that now even the most basic requests seem to fall flat. I can’t blame anyone except myself.

So it’s probably best that I’m not going to make Defcon. I’ve got a lot of work to do. I have an f-ton of donated equipment I need to distribute and make the most of. I owe it to you, the donors, to stretch what you’ve given as far as possible before making any final decisions about the future.

It’s good timing for me to dig in with what we have because financially we can’t afford much more than that.

These words are sour for me to even read. Pre-Africa, in some previous revision of me, I’d like to think I would have been up in the face of these things, standing, fighting.

But right now I feel like I’m just fighting to make it through each day, to end up “on the right side of the grass” as my Shidoshi used to say, practically a lifetime ago.